Late night

This song.

This. Song.

"Seride kujanara"

You

If there has been any goodness in me,kindness and any iota of love or affection or selflessness or anything that is nice and beautiful and warm and light and bright.... It is you. Every beautiful thing on this earth pales in comparison to you. You my child light up my otherwise dark and bleak existence.
You are my raison de être. I love you my baby.

If ever you find shades of darkness in you... If you ever think you are on the doorstep of grays, remember those monsters aren't yours. They are mine. I am the dark the gray and everything in between. You are a ray of sunshine and the rainbow that lights up the skies. Remember this for ever.

Being a mom

Dear daughter,

Believe me when I tell you what a privelege it is to be your mother. I know all mothers will say this and it is probably the mother of clichés to say you are the best daughter anyone could have.

I have always craved for unconditional love.  The kind of love that laughs for no reason, doles out hugs by the million, the love that is so vocal that it doesn't feel embarrassed to shout out a " I miss you" even when I'm away only a minute to take a bath.
You, my sweetheart, embody that love and much more. Whoever it was that said children are god knew what he was saying.
I see myself as fat, ugly and so many more derogative adjectives, but you have a genuine compliment to give me when I'm down and out.

You know how to kiss me and make me forget all the worries of life, you know how to smile and wipe that annoyance and anger off my face, you know how naughty to be and get me laughing.

I think you are more than what I deserve, the brightest ray of sunshine in my gray existence, the rainbow of my monochromatic life. The unexpected treasure that life has given me.... and trust me, even when you think that I don't get you or I hate you or I resent you when you grow up and be a teenager, I will always thank you for being in my life... For giving birth to all that is good in me.

Love you baby.

looks are deceptive

Cos this li'l angel can be quite the devil when she wants to :)

you, are my reason.

there comes a time when the world overwhelms you. when you feel so small, and insecure and insignificant, and the troubles and travails you face seem insurmountable.

At times such as these, one contemplates walking away from all of it, just getting up and giving it all up, thinking about the uselessness and profanity of existence.

One look at you dear daughter, and no matter how hard these feelings are, no matter how huge the need to pull away and walk away, to cede some relations, to end some and kill some, all are swallowed inside.

you are the reason for my being, the reason i try to keep my sanity, the reason why i push through and keep brave. you, my love, you are my ray of sunshine and my ball-n-chain all at the same time.

thats why when i look at you, i smile and cry at the same time. i love you dear daughter. i hate the loss of my freedom due to you, but i love you as much as i love my freedom.

the struggle

To be practical is not always the most easy thing to do.

Everytime you turn to your nanny when you are sleepy, hungry or hurt - everytime I spread my arms for you, and the person you run to, is your nanny, all pretensions of being practical are thrown out of the window.

To say that it hurts, is an understatement.

I think of why I choose to spend 10 hours in the company of strangers and not you. I think of why I leave you with a nanny, instead of holding you myself, but it does little to ease the pain.
some day, my dear daughter, when you are old enough, I hope you understand why your mother wasnt with you when you took your first steps or said your first word, you will know why every small little detail is documented in videos that are crudely made.
you see, I love you. I want you to be able to choose the life you want for yourself, without having to worry about any financial implications.

I want you to be able to attend the colleges of your choice, travel by modes of transport that do not include copassengers who are lice infested fisherwomen, and maybe someday, the freedom to spend your daughter's childhood with her instead of spending 10 hours a day working and worrying about the projects and bottomlines of companies whose CEOs and CFOs you havent even heard of.

I want all those things for you my baby, that I deemed as luxury when I grew up,

but I cant stop wondering, if we both are losing out on the luxury of knowing and loving each other today, for the luxury of a tomorrow, that I dont even know will shape the way we want it to.

stepping stones

there is something so bitter sweet about seeing you walk.

An urge to gather you up in the arms, willing you not to grow up, ever. not to leave the arms of your parents. to stop you from falling down and hurting yourself, from learning the lessons of life the hard way,

and then there is a pride in seeing that the little one you created is now walking independently. to see that you have the grit to fall and then get back right up. to get hurt and swallow your ego and hurt, and learn to do things right the second time.

This is, probably what the poet meant, when he said

"a smile on her lips and a tear in her eye".

Is there any other way that makes you feel so full, so complete, so much a human being than having a child of your own?